Coping means to invest own conscious effort, to solve personal and interpersonal problems, in order to try to master, minimize or tolerate stress and conflict. The psychological coping mechanisms are commonly termed coping strategies or coping skills.
A wise friend once said to me:
“Mollie, you’d never buy a footlong sub and then tell yourself – ‘I better eat this all in one bite.’”
At the time, I had a good laugh. And now, years later, I think of this all the time. Because when you put it that way, it makes so much sense – it’s crazy to set an expectation like that. You’d choke, you’d be sick, and you’d feel really terrible about that sandwich.
An alternative self-care activity is something we learned in elementary school: art. It doesn’t have to be grand, and in fact, it is often better if it isn’t. It’s just supposed to be something enjoyable to you. Many people feel intimidated by the idea of doing some art for enjoyment. They may feel like they aren’t very good at it, or that they aren’t “artistic.” Most good art teachers will tell you than anyone can be an artist. Art is just a means of self-expression.
Sometimes, just coming back to the things we can reach out and touch, the things we hear, see, smell, or even taste can be helpful. Other times, it can be helpful to be prepared ahead of time, to keep a few little tokens on hand that are soothing, enjoyable, and use our physical senses.
My alarm goes off, quietly at first, and then a little louder. I turn it off, and then start my daily practice. What do I hear? I listen. I hear the birds chirping, the dog snoring quietly, the sound of my spouse making coffee downstairs. What do I feel? I notice the cool breeze from my fan, the softness of my blanket, and the comfort of my bed. What do I see? I slowly open one eye to appreciate the soft, dappled light through my window and the blue sky on the other side. What do I smell? The scent of my laundry detergent still lingers on my pillowcase. What am I grateful for? I am grateful for this day, for my life, for meaningful work, for my family. I take 4 deep breaths and I get out of bed. Thus ends my meditation for the day.
While my generation and younger is thought to be full of selfish, shallow, entitled people (which I do not agree with), what I do think is that a lot of what we’re seeing is not too much self-love, but exactly the opposite. No real self love at all, in fact. Holes filled with insecurities. People who secretly do not feel worthy of the space they take up. People whose only memories of Earth have been of her demise, at the hands of humans. People obsessed with the system’s definition of accomplishment. People who are scared to look deeper, scared of what they’ll find there. People who listen to the voice of short-term happiness, over the deeper voice of long-term joy, because well they don’t trust the deeper one, or they’ve no idea how to hear it.
Looking back, growing up, I can’t think of a single conversation where my friends and I even mentioned the things we liked about ourselves, let alone reasons we loved ourselves. Just typing that makes me feel uncomfortable. The general message (especially as women) was that it’s okay to love things about other people but not ourselves.
As a Midwesterner, I come from the land of humble and hard-working. I value humility like crazy. We’re not big on self-love. But I’m starting to believe that you really do have to possess something first, before you can give it away.
Last week in Iowa City, there was a community experience of violence. Episodes of horrible violence also happened in other places, such as South Carolina. Community violence is something that many of us will experience. Recent research suggests that 39-94% of children will witness an episode of violence in their community at some point in their childhood.
Many of us will have to survive difficult people.
It may be a co-worker, a boss, a teacher, or another student. It could be a customer, or someone with whom you do business. Some of these people come and go in our lives, and some of these people are more permanent. Either way, trying to work or get along with difficult people can take a toll on us if we don’t find skills to manage these situations well.
Self-compassion is a way to help ourselves stay healthy. If you are like many of us, you may only think about your well-being after something hard has happened, like an illness, a crisis, or a stressful work issue. However, self-care is an ongoing issue, and not just when hard things happen. One thing that’s very […]
Sometimes, the world just moves too quickly. Sometimes, there is too much to do, or too much to think about. Sometimes there is too much noise, too much activity, too many electronics, or too many pressures. Sometimes, there is too much drama or just too much talking.
Sometimes, less is more.
But, it is tough to know how to do less. After all, we can’t just tell our bosses or teachers, “no,” when job responsibilities or homework assignments are expected. We can’t just tell our band director that we can’t do the band concert this week or we can’t tell our boss that an important project is not a priority.
Mindfulness meditation practice seems difficult. The truth is, however, it couldn’t be easier. You can practice anytime, anywhere. Mindfulness is just about noticing the moment and being present in your actions and the world. Some people find good benefit to a regular, formal mindfulness practice. You can do this in a few simple steps: Sit […]
Anxiety is a condition where people worry. Most people have worries from time to time. We may worry about making a good impression, or how we will do on a test or an assignment. Sometimes people worry about the weather, loved ones, or illness. When worry happens so much that it starts to make our […]
“Each of us is a flower growing in life’s garden. Each of us is a flower. We need the sun and rain.” The above song has been sung by both my children in elementary school. As I attended my youngest son’s music performance this week, I listened to the words. I found myself wondering if […]
